The Loss

I could tell she had more fun elsewhere. Though, I was not trying to please her, or entertain her, that is not my job, she expected it all the same, as that is what she likes, to be entertained. She enjoyed a laugh, like most people, though she was never satisfied unless there was a laugh at the end of everything. She never tried to make anyone else laugh. Quite demanding really! As the conversation had run dry, I picked up the paper and read the “and finally”. There was a story about a man that was trying to replace milk in schools with tomato juice; he said the benefits of five a day far outweighed the calcium intake of milk. He was protesting in the streets of Italy on a daily basis. The banner read “Tomato’s not Milk”. I smiled a bit, though I thought the whole idea was ridiculous, and he was just jumping to a conclusion that he could not prove. To be so passionate about such an idea, he had to own a tomato farm. He did as well!

“We should go abroad” I said.

She was looking out the window, the scenery was quite impressive, though I am sure she was more concerned about her boredom. We were travelling to Scotland – Edinburgh – the journey took us past some of the most spectacular landscapes in the country. It was Mya’s sister’s wedding; we booked the time off work and we were travelling to Edinburgh second class, though second class was still luxurious. Mya’s sister had planned a firework display from Edinburgh castle; I thought the idea was brilliant; I was really looking forward to that. Mya got a long with her sister so well that it made me somewhat jealous. I was dreading it really; I always feel like a spare part, just there to remind everyone else just how much of a good time they are having.

She nodded and said, “You need to get more hours”.

I already knew that, she did not have to remind me; the reality meant more to her than the idea and the dream of doing something unprompted and original. I did not like that. It was never like this at first! When we first met, we would do our weekly shopping in the 24 hour megastore, at half four in the morning, drunk as anything, buying on impulse, anything we wanted - we spent a small fortune on nibbles, Doritos with loads of different dips; we would open them there and then, sat on the floor of the furthest aisle, cramming them in our mouths, until we were rolling in a mess of food and laughter. We stopped it soon after our first serious decision – to move into together - we never ended up with what we needed, so we had to do something different though the idea was fun all the same. Everything seemed to be different now, and I was starting to think that all we needed was bread and butter. Is that what life boils down to? The need of bread and butter, everything we need for our continued existence?! I do not know which I prefer anymore. Real life is certainly a lot more taxing, and inconsiderate.

I thought about how we were at this moment in time, then our future, and I certainly wanted a future with her; she was the most beautiful, light hearted and pleasing individual, who only really stopped to prepare herself for the next time she was going to share her natural gift - of delight and wonderment. We could be getting married one day, and if it turned out to be anything like it was now, we would be exactly like every other couple. I guess there is no “Hollywood” ideal situation, though I believe communication is crucial to a happy relationship - I heard that on GMTV one day. So I decided to ask her what she thought.

I said, “What do you want to do?”

“What do you mean?” She said.

She looked perplexed but the tone of her voice sounded interested.

“What do you want to do? Do you want to do something remarkable, like climb a mountain once a year - be more normal and live in a nice house being happy with contentment - find something we both enjoy and do it together for the rest of our lives?”

She was thinking for a moment, these sorts of questions were nothing new to her. I came out with some unusual things, and she knew the best way to shut me up was to tell me what she really thought. If I knew what she really thought, I tended to just drift off and dream about the idea.

“What I really want to do is not possible” She said.

“Why?”

“Because I want to take the cancer that is killing my sister and rid the world of it forever!”

I did not know this; it was the first time Mya had told me. I was taken aback! We talked for half an hour about the situation and what if anything there was to be done. It seemed like the worst news possible.

I fully understood why she had not told me, she did not want to believe it. I was concerned for Mya and more for her sister Anita, she was only young and for something so unfortunate to happen so early in her life is near impossible to accept; I knew Anita had the resolve of a missionary and the wedding would be spectacular, though a few would know deep down that the vows they speak on the day will come into promise sooner rather than later. At that moment I thought how fragile life really is, that there are something’s that are just not humanly possible. I always thought I would do anything and everything for Mya and I sort of felt that from her; now all I could do was show feelings of compassion, as she was losing something a lot more precious to her than anything I felt we had lost. I hoped this was enough as I felt inadequate in most circumstances. She smiled with the corners of her mouth, though her eyes were not committed, how could they be, she was pleasing me. I was so thankful for her attempt. I could only imagine what she was feeling; the world was robbing her of her sister - all of their future to share and be happy with, all of their past that was brought to their person in an instant, their bond overwhelming their person, as if they glowed like a beacon.

And call it selfish or heartless to be thinking of me, as there was a fruition and realisation; I knew that the maturity of our relationship was a lot more valuable and meaningful than I had ever imagined. She did not need me for entertainment; she needed me as a partner to be strong and reliable as she was, and I was a part of that, a vital part. In these moments I felt that our relationship had evolved, to a place where my heart was moulding with hers; a place where I felt there was nothing needed or nothing left to say. I felt entirely captivated with her, yet I could not be happy and I could not be sad. Something had changed inside of me. I felt Mya’s arms around me, I felt something a lot more, warmth that was gripping me and binding me closer than anything I had felt. 

This bitter sweet day, where love can bring together and life can rip apart.